It took me twenty-eight years to realize I didn’t understand the question, “what are you feeling?”

I would answer the question with so much analysis that I was intellectualizing my emotions, which can come with real consequences. But I didn’t even realize this was happening, like many people, because I never learned to distinguish thoughts from feelings.

That’s why I’m going to show you how to stop intellectualizing your emotions and how to start identifying them. But that requires us to first understand what intellectualization is.

What is intellectualizing your emotions?

Intellectualization is when we try to solve or analyze a situation to avoid working through any emotions that arose during it.

Say that someone breaks up with you. You may focus only on the thinking: explaining the situation to friends, analyzing what went wrong, and planning your next move.

None of these are inherently bad, and you may have to temporarily prioritize some of these for your wellbeing. But when all we do is think, it can quickly become a defense mechanism to avoid how hurt or sad or angry we feel.

That’s when intellectualization becomes an issue, especially when we don’t know it’s happening.

Thoughts vs. feelings: what’s the difference?

A thought is an idea you can control. A feeling is an emotion you cannot.

You can decide your thoughts. If a friend is rude to you, you can choose to give them grace because they’re having a bad day.

But if they make you feel hurt, sad, or angry, then that’s how you feel. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. You can decide whether to act on that emotion, but you have no control over whether you feel it.

You can decide whether to act on that emotion, but you have no control over whether you feel it.

This distinction puts “what am I feeling?” into context. You aren’t a judge who rules on a situation and decides the punishment. You’re a detective, gathering evidence to identify the correct emotion(s) as the culprit(s).

How to stop intellectualizing emotions

To stop intellectualizing emotions, you need to name your emotions, which you can do with the two-step process below.

First, gather clues

An emotion has three parts: physical reactions, internal feelings, and changes to your thoughts or behavior. Each one can offer important clues.

1. How your body reacts

You may experience a racing heart or clenched jaw. These are easy tells that you’re having an emotional reaction because they’re tangible.

But they aren’t helpful in identifying a specific emotion. You don’t shrug your shoulders one way when you’re angry and another when you’re anxious. You just… shrug your shoulders.

2. How you feel

These clues can help you distinguish emotions. However, internal feelings are harder to explain since they’re… intangible. And research shows that people can experience the same emotion with different feelings.

Get curious about what different sensations feel like to you. Here’s how a few feel to me:

• Anger is fiery
• Sadness is blue ocean waves
• Shame is a dark cloak over your insides

3. How you act

Notice whether your thoughts or desired actions feel out of the ordinary:

• Anger fuels an urge—often aggressive—to correct a problem or injustice
• Fear activates our fight-or-flight instincts to protect us from imminent danger
• Regret leads us to reflect on past mistakes so we can make better decisions
• Surprise redirects our attention when something new is important and unexpected

Second, identify the suspect

Now you can use this information to narrow down the right emotion(s).

If you feel a buzz of energy and racing thoughts about the future, you may feel anxious. If you feel a fire in your belly as you mentally rehearse a mean speech to someone, you may feel resentment.

My best advice: name various emotions until you feel like you’ve found the right one. There’s something about saying the correct one that feels like you’ve hit the nail on the head. Your internal feelings or physical reactions may intensity for a moment, then subside.

Now let me clarify that this is way easier said than done. To put it into perspective, humans are one of the only species who can use language to identify emotions; other animals just act on them. The more reps you put in, the better you’ll get. Trust me.

For additional help, below are some resources:

• An emotion wheel is a circular chart that maps emotions. You can start with a broad “family” of emotions and then get more specific.
• For more context on an emotion, search for it on credible sites like the APA.
• When you’re not in the middle of an emotional experience, study up on different emotions through my emotional literacy section or Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart.

What do I get for solving the mystery?

Naming emotions—which experts call affect labeling—comes with some real benefits.